Disoriented, disjointed ramblings.

So I’ve been meaning to post this for days, but I’ve had the girl I call my best friend visiting from NZ for a few days now. I’ll refer to her as BP, where she is mentioned.

2014 was an incredibly messy year for me. I came back home from Florida, USA after a year long exchange trip in which I worked for Walt Disney World and things went progressively weird from there. I managed to land a job as a Receptionist in a Real Estate company within a week of being back, and within a month of working they had offered me a traineeship (which I accepted). I struggled through the entirety of 2014 questioning my place within my workplace and my colleagues feelings towards me. At the same time, my depression hit stronger than ever before.

About a quarter way through the year was the first time I slipped into old habits and self-harmed again. This was the first time for 2014, but it definitely wasn’t the last. I spent many a night in those earlier days on the lifeline website looking for help. Some nights it helped, it made me feel better. Other nights not so much. Earlier parts of 2014 I felt sad and lonely, I missed my Florida job and my friends and my life there. The latter parts were more of an overwhelming numbness. I’d lost all interest in attending work, or doing anything with friends. I made excuses to not go anywhere, I wasn’t anticipating anything, I wasn;t looking forward to events I’d had planned. I just wanted to spend my days in bed.

Right now, I’m not feeling much better inside, but I decided at New Years that it was high time I kicked myself into gear and actively tried to be happier. I was complacent in my sadness. I didn’t want to get out of it. To be perfectly honest, I still don’t really want to, but I know I NEED to. So that’s what I’m doing. My best friend, BP, has been visiting since Boxing Day (the day after Christmas for those who don’t know what it is). On Dec 27th my family, along with a few of our friends embarked on a short, three-day cruise out of Sydney and back in. It was a good cruise, but I’m not sure I could honestly say I overly enjoyed it. My most enjoyable experiences on it were without a doubt the ones that included my Mum.

I’d have to say that my Mum is my one source of light in this darkness. Without a doubt, Mum always makes me feel better. I’m less likely to argue with my siblings or my Dad when Mum is around; she is always up for a cuddle when I’m feeling rough without making me talk about, and she is the one person I could not handle disappointing. She doesn’t know that I slipped into old habits this year. She knows my emotions have been all over the place, but I couldn’t handle telling her about my harming. It shattered her last time and I couldn’t do that again, plus I know she’d try to send me back to therapy, and while I’d happily go there, I know for a fact that we can’t afford it at the moment.

After the cruise, we went up to my Godparents holiday home up the coast for New Years Eve. BP came with us as she’s been staying with us. BP managed to put a huge dampener on the trip for me somehow. I hate saying it, especially after all we’ve been through and the long, anxious wait we had to seeing each other again, but having her here hasn’t necessarily been wonderful. BP and I initially bonded over our love of boybands and Harry Potter, as well as a shared work environment at WDW and later a shared history of struggles. Now, I’m starting to wonder if that is going to be enough to last the distance. I just don’t feel that we have much in common and its a real struggle sometimes. I find myself disagreeing with her a lot, and she is very pessimistic and doubtful, which doesn’t really help me. While we were up the coast, BP didn’t want to swim, or kayak, or go out on my Uncles boat, nor did she want to stay the night whilst most of my family were. I eventually convinced her to go out on the boat, but we did come back home that night. I was quite disappointed, because I was quite enjoying myself and would have loved to have stayed up there with my cousins and family. We’ve done basically nothing except hang out a home since, and it’s been horribly boring.

BP leaves this afternoon to return home, and I’m actually looking forward to it. I’ve been waiting for this for a few days now. And I’ve just found out that I’m actually going back up the coast with my sisters tonight so I’m really happy!

New Years Eve, I had a lot of time to myself to think, and I’ve come up with a few resolutions/goals for 2015, as a result of everything that has happened this year.

1. Imma Do Me

This year is going to be about doing things that make me happy. I’m going to make time at least once a month to do something that I want to do, completely on my own without worrying about anyone else; whether it is seeing a movie on my own, or treating myself to a massage or some new clothes, anything that is done simply to please my own wants.
I also plan to say ‘YES’ a lot more this year. If something is offered to me, or someone asks for my involvement, I will actively decide to take that opportunity and do it, hopefully breaking out of my comfort bubble a little.

2. I’m going to stay connected.

By this I don’t necessarily mean ‘to my phone at all times’. I’m referring to staying connected with close friends and family. I’ve already had a chat with my good friend (and probably one of my best friends) AM, and we’ve decided to get together at least once a month and just do something, actively staying in touch. I don’t particularly have many friends I want to do this with, but if I make new friends, I will go to this effort too. In staying connected however, I will also have to sever connections that I deem unhealthy. Some a fairly loosely tied on their own as is (eg. SR in Adelaide), however there are a few nearby that I think I’ll have to wean off. BF is one of those people who we’ve always been like best friends when we’re together but can go lengthy periods apart but to be honest, I don’t think she is necessarily good for my life. BF can be constricting and judgemental and overbearing. SP on the otherhand, had to unfollow all my social media once I started posting things about my depression because “she didn’t know how to help me and can’t handle seeing that depressing shit all over her dash”. Sad, but true. SP will have to be cut off this year, maybe not completely, but definitely needs the reins loosened. AC, I don’t really know what to do about AC. AC has her boyfriend and Med School and a whole host of other friends, and hasn’t really made an effort. She kind of loosened the reins on herself, so I think I’ll just have to go with the flow on this one.

3. Work/Travel

Now this is a mixed one. My first goal is to kick this course in the butt and have it finished by end of Feb, early March at the latest. Once that is done, I want to look into my options for working Visas overseas. I’d love to travel through the UK and Europe on a Working Visa, working in pubs and cafes as I sightsee through the countries, but I’d also love to do something similar to the Disney exchange program, focusing on England or somewhere close by. I really, really just want to travel and see as much as I can while still being able to save a little and pay off the rental house I purchased with my parents and my sister in late 2014.

So far that’s all I’ve kinda got, but it essentially sums up what I want from 2015. I want to actively chase those dreams and work out the direction my life is going in 🙂

To conclude, I have this beautiful little cover by Ella Henderson of Cher’s Believe, which is a song I connect with quite deeply, particularly the emotions when the words don’t quite fit.


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