I’m about 99.99% certain that we can call what happened today a complete mental breakdown. I woke up this morning relatively unexcited for work (less excited than my usual seeming indifference) and it probably wasn’t the best start. Work was fairly average for me personally, but GC was particularly upset and aggressive today, leading to much upset for KW and TH, and a lot of discomfort for me when he is acting rather cruelly towards them. It was a long, rather uncomfortable day to be completely honest.
Coming home didn’t improve things in the slightest. Instead I managed to get myself into a stupid argument with my Mum at the dinner table which quickly escalated into uncontrollable tears (again). After that it was horribly messy as I yelled and cried about how “I don’t know whats wrong” and “I can’t control myself right now”. I ended up on my sisters’ bed just crying and crying until I eventually got enough control to talk about it all. We probably spent a good two hours talking and I worked out my two key issues. The first, and the smaller of the two, is the “readjusting and Nan” issue. Basically, this past year I have spent readjusting to family life and living at home with my parents and siblings and finding my place with them again. Most of the time I’m pretty happy and solid with what that means for me, however recently I’ve been feeling as though they all care a lot less than I expect/am used to and that has been a bit of a struggle for me.
In relation to my Nan, she’s lived two minutes around the corner from me my entire life. When my Pop passed away in September of 2012, I was in my first year of University and I had a hell of a lot of time to spare. So when I wasn’t at Uni or at one of my two jobs, I was at my Nan’s, keeping her company and just spending time with her. I genuinely loved being there, and I’d spent a lot of time there prior to Pop passing as well, just increasing the frequency in the aftermath. While I was on my year program in the USA, my Nan decided she needed to move out. It was perfectly understandable that she wouldn’t want to live in the house long after Pop was gone, but we all assumed she would move somewhere else close by. Instead she decided to move to the Central Coast, which is about an hour and a half away. I used to be able to see her basically whenever I wanted. I had a lot more free time, and she was super close by. Now, I’m lucky to see her at all. I think I’ve seen her maybe a total of five or six times in the past year… That’s barely every second month!
I miss it a lot. I miss being able to just pop in whenever I felt like it, or call her up and decide we were going out for lunch. I miss her being around for things like Easter and Christmas and Birthdays, and even honestly, weekends. I just miss her. I rarely get to see her, and I rarely speak to her, even on the phone, because when I do call her, it always seems like she is just having a go at me about not visiting her. So yeah, that’s never really fun.
The second key point was the aforementioned BP, my best friend who I met in DisneyWorld. Now I know for a fact that there is a post a little ways back about what kind of went down while she was visiting just recently, but as a result of that awkwardness and confusion, there has been a lot of tension. While my sister was in counselling mode, she touched on the topic of BP and I fell to pieces all over again. Turns out there has been a lot of built up fear and stress and worry over how BP and I were the last time we saw each other and how we are now. I did however, after a long hot shower and a bit more crying, send her a text after which we had a lengthy discussion and cleared a whole host of things up. I am now much more confident about our friendship and seriously wonder why I ever doubted it. This was our first big hurdle I think. Obviously having to separate for the first time when we both went back home was rather difficult but we knew that was coming in advance. This is the first time anything sort of happened that we weren’t prepared for and didn’t deal with well, but I think we’ve got it sorted from here.
Today was basically one of the shittiest days of my life, but I’m pretty sure I got it all sorted and I’m back to feeling optimistic about the rest of the year ahead (and also the 1975 concert on Saturday whoop whoop!)