Doctor, Doctor (not the fun kind)

At some point I’ll upload the nice happy post about how great my weekend was that is sitting in my drafts, but until such time, there are some things I need to get off of my chest.

I visited my Doctor today. I’ve had a sore wrist on and off for a few months now and I needed to get my iron levels checked again. My sister was the one that encouraged me to see the Doctor, and I’m grateful for that, but since my mental breakdown last week she has been particularly pushy and adamant about things, for example, getting a referral to a psychologist. I had decided last Friday (when I booked the appointment) that I would speak to the doc about it, and my sister has felt the need to remind me that I needed to get a referral on at the very least a daily basis since then. She actually told me last night, “I think you should seriously get help from a professional.” I know she meant it in the nicest possible way, in that she doesn’t feel like she can help me personally, but it’s starting to get real fucking annoying.

I got the referral from the Doc, but I’m so reluctant to actually use it. In part it’s because I’ve always been the kind of person who preferred to deal with things on my own, who hated feeling like she was relying on other people, who can’t stand feeling as though I need help from the outside. And in that same vein, I’ve always loathed feeling as though I was burdening other people with my problems. I can’t stand asking for help. The other part is more to do with disappointment. I’m truly disappointed that I’ve managed to take so many steps backwards, to being in a place where I do need to seek additional help. I truly thought I was capable of dealing with all of this.

It’s really quite crushing to be back here and it doesn’t help the crap I’m already feeling. I think I will make use of the referral at some point, probably once I pluck up the courage to let my Mum know what’s going on.

That’s all really. Hope you’re all happy 🙂


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