Anxiety Post.

This may be delicate or triggering for some as I may discuss things of a delicate nature in regards to self-harm and anxiety. I’m currently having a minor freak out/break down and writing is one of the most therapeutic ways for me to deal with it.

As a result of my recent experience with online dating, I have been talking to someone rather exclusively (from my side at least) and we exchanged numbers last night, with a lot of nerves and anxiety on my behalf. I’m still hoping against all hope that he’ll stick to texting at least until we meet in person. I’m terrified of the idea that he might now make a phone call simply for the fact that my anxiety hits an all time high on telephone calls – I avoid making them as much as possible, and don’t even like dialling my Mum’s phone in case Dad or one of my siblings picks up. The uncertainty is petrifying! The potential of him calling when I don’t feel as though I know him that well only serves to increase the level of fear that grips at my heart. I quite like this guy so far, but it makes me so nervous.

Inclusive of all of this, I am trying to process that fact that I will meet this guy within the next fortnight for the first time and that too is terrifying. Exciting as all hell, but so incredibly scary at the same time. I don’t feel that I’m a good people person. I don’t feel that I give off a good first impression (ever). I don’t feel that I’m a good conversationalist – in fact I know I’m not until I know someone very, very well. It takes a lot of time for me to properly trust and feel comfortable in a friendship let alone a relationship. I have friends, that to this day, I delay contacting for fear of them not wanting to chat or catch up or visit, and many of them I have been friends with for five or more years. I’m also slightly worried that this is kind of a for-the-thrill-of-it thing for me. Previous experience has seen me grow bored rather quickly of new guys. I meet them, I like them well enough, I date them and then within a month I’m ready to end it. I’m scared of feeling that again. I’m scared of not liking him as much once I’ve met him. I’m scared of not being anywhere near as comforted by his physical presence as I am by the messages he sends me. I’m scared of repeating history.

There is also the issue of my parents, who frown upon Internet dating as they don’t feel it is “getting yourself out there” per se. I mentioned to my Mum that Amy has been on a few dates with guys from Tinder, and the look she gave me was so highly disapproving that I didn’t quite know how to take it. A few people have told me to just tell her that this guy is a friend of a friend, but I suck at lying (to my Mum especially) and I sort of want to be completely honest with her anyway. Her reaction scares me though. It causes a lot of internal discomfort and makes my stomach churn.

Atop all of this is the fact that I am supposed to have completed my traineeship within the next three weeks and at this stage I have zero chance of that happening or even being close to happening and I have already extended it once. I keep putting it off because I don’t like Real Estate, but it is starting to become a problem that I don’t really need to be having. It makes the anxiety worse.

I have noticed, upon some reflection and recent events, that my anxiety over events is quite often what triggers my self-harm urges. I don’t tend to hurt myself when I am sad. It is usually something that comes up when I am feeling numb or no sensation at all, or when I’m worked up and on-edge, when I’m jittery and frazzled. At the moment, I am jittery and frazzled and my left wrist (which has borne the brunt of my previous self-harming) is tingly and achy. This tends to happen when I’m overly anxious and makes me feel as though I want to hurt myself again. I haven’t quite worked out how to deal with it yet. I usually just try to grasp my wrist/forearm firmly with the other hand, or put pressure on a pulse point. Snapping rubber bands on my wrist helps sometimes too, inflicting pain without lasting damage, but this can’t be my long term solution. I need something that is a healthy, convenient way of dealing with it, especially when I am trapped in the office at work and unable to take a long breather to pull it back together.

If anybody has some simple, effective ways of dealing with this, or indeed any advice regarding my situations, it would be greatly appreciated.


18 Struggles Of Having An Outgoing Personality But Actually Being Shy And Introverted

Literally Me.

Thought Catalog

This… this is my soul song, people. This is my Vietnam.

1. You’re not anti-social, you’re selectivelysocial.

2. Atany given point, you have one (maybe two) best friends who areyour entire life.You’re not a “group of friends” person. You can’t keep up with all that.

3. Social gatherings that are supposed to be “rites of passage” like prom and dances and other such typical nonsense is just… not for you. You don’t understand it. You want nothing to do with it.

4. When you do choose tograce a party with your presence, you are thelife of it.You’re dancing on the table and doing body shots until 3 a.m.

5. … You then retreat into three days of complete solitude to recover.

6. You go out of your way to avoid people, but when you inevitably have to interact with them, you make it seem like…

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I still fall on my face sometimes…

Jessie J. This song is a masterpiece. I absolutely adore Jessie. I think she is such a strong, powerful female and the industry is lucky to have someone like her. Many of her songs have been wonderful girl-power anthems and get me pumped up and ready to take on the world. This is just one of those songs, but probably the one that I feel relates to me most strongly at this point in my life.

Thank you Jessie.

Why Radical Consent Makes Me a Better Man

feminist menFeminism is not here to make you feel guilty for being a man. And radical consent – the idea that one should get affirmative and enthusiastic consent from their lovers – is a critical step toward ending sexual violence.

So men, listen up: you need to care about radical consent. It boils down to mutual respect for everyone’s autonomy and how to interact with other peoples’ bodies.

Feminism addresses the reality that women are systematically treated worse than men. That doesn’t mean the lives of men are perfect; we have financial struggles and health issues, and we also survive violence and other challenges. Part of respecting women, however, is acknowledging and supporting them in the misogyny they face, not turning it into a competition of incomparable problems.

One of the greatest misconceptions spread by anti-feminists is that feminism is about women versus men. Recognizing that I have male privilege isn’t an attack…

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Online Dating (Here we go again…)

So a while back, I did a relatively long post about how online dating is not for me. This post is going to be quite contradictory to that.

I still wouldn’t say it is for me per se, however, I think I’m looking at it from a different approach this time around. You have to take a lot of what happens in online dating scenarios at face value. You’re not going to start talking to someone online and know they are “the one” immediately.

I’ve recently rejoined Tinder, and so far it is working out quite well for me. I’ve matched with a few people, and spoken with a few. Some have been rather short conversations once I get a feel for the person and what they want. Yet some have been quite continuous and lovely conversations. There is one person in particular who I am quite enjoying speaking with so we’ll see how this goes. I feel that perhaps the reason it is working out this time is that I’m not EXPECTING anything from it. It is simply an opportunity to chat to people and hopefully meet some new people. Whatever comes from that, well that’s still to be seen, I simply have to let it play out.

I have my good friend AM’s Tinder success to thank truthfully. She gave it a shot with zero expectation and has had some fine results. Her success gave me the confidence to give it another shot I’m reaping the rewards now. So thanks A!

And that’s all folks.

(I need to find a better way to end these posts. They all just stop with no real conclusion.)

Success does not equate to Happiness.

He speaks a little fast, and I had to stop start a few times, but this video is well worth watching (and exactly what I needed after today).

Near the end of this video the speaker talks about the things we can do everyday, over a 21 day period that will change the way we look at the world. This is exactly what I plan to do. It’s worth a shot. I will start today, but I won’t be blogging any of it until Monday as I am away for the weekend.

So to create lasting positive change, over the course of 21 days, we will do all of the following on a daily basis:
+ 3 Gratitudes (three new things each day that we are thankful for – write them down)
+ Journaling (recap one positive experience from your day in extensive detail – write it down)
+ Exercise (make like Nike and Just Do It)
+ Meditation (get over the cultural ADHD of doing multiple things at once and focus on the task at hand)
+ Random Act of Kindness / Conscious Act of Kindness (send one positive email/facebook message per day praising or thanking someone in your social network)

My change starts now. When will you start?