This may be delicate or triggering for some as I may discuss things of a delicate nature in regards to self-harm and anxiety. I’m currently having a minor freak out/break down and writing is one of the most therapeutic ways for me to deal with it.
As a result of my recent experience with online dating, I have been talking to someone rather exclusively (from my side at least) and we exchanged numbers last night, with a lot of nerves and anxiety on my behalf. I’m still hoping against all hope that he’ll stick to texting at least until we meet in person. I’m terrified of the idea that he might now make a phone call simply for the fact that my anxiety hits an all time high on telephone calls – I avoid making them as much as possible, and don’t even like dialling my Mum’s phone in case Dad or one of my siblings picks up. The uncertainty is petrifying! The potential of him calling when I don’t feel as though I know him that well only serves to increase the level of fear that grips at my heart. I quite like this guy so far, but it makes me so nervous.
Inclusive of all of this, I am trying to process that fact that I will meet this guy within the next fortnight for the first time and that too is terrifying. Exciting as all hell, but so incredibly scary at the same time. I don’t feel that I’m a good people person. I don’t feel that I give off a good first impression (ever). I don’t feel that I’m a good conversationalist – in fact I know I’m not until I know someone very, very well. It takes a lot of time for me to properly trust and feel comfortable in a friendship let alone a relationship. I have friends, that to this day, I delay contacting for fear of them not wanting to chat or catch up or visit, and many of them I have been friends with for five or more years. I’m also slightly worried that this is kind of a for-the-thrill-of-it thing for me. Previous experience has seen me grow bored rather quickly of new guys. I meet them, I like them well enough, I date them and then within a month I’m ready to end it. I’m scared of feeling that again. I’m scared of not liking him as much once I’ve met him. I’m scared of not being anywhere near as comforted by his physical presence as I am by the messages he sends me. I’m scared of repeating history.
There is also the issue of my parents, who frown upon Internet dating as they don’t feel it is “getting yourself out there” per se. I mentioned to my Mum that Amy has been on a few dates with guys from Tinder, and the look she gave me was so highly disapproving that I didn’t quite know how to take it. A few people have told me to just tell her that this guy is a friend of a friend, but I suck at lying (to my Mum especially) and I sort of want to be completely honest with her anyway. Her reaction scares me though. It causes a lot of internal discomfort and makes my stomach churn.
Atop all of this is the fact that I am supposed to have completed my traineeship within the next three weeks and at this stage I have zero chance of that happening or even being close to happening and I have already extended it once. I keep putting it off because I don’t like Real Estate, but it is starting to become a problem that I don’t really need to be having. It makes the anxiety worse.
I have noticed, upon some reflection and recent events, that my anxiety over events is quite often what triggers my self-harm urges. I don’t tend to hurt myself when I am sad. It is usually something that comes up when I am feeling numb or no sensation at all, or when I’m worked up and on-edge, when I’m jittery and frazzled. At the moment, I am jittery and frazzled and my left wrist (which has borne the brunt of my previous self-harming) is tingly and achy. This tends to happen when I’m overly anxious and makes me feel as though I want to hurt myself again. I haven’t quite worked out how to deal with it yet. I usually just try to grasp my wrist/forearm firmly with the other hand, or put pressure on a pulse point. Snapping rubber bands on my wrist helps sometimes too, inflicting pain without lasting damage, but this can’t be my long term solution. I need something that is a healthy, convenient way of dealing with it, especially when I am trapped in the office at work and unable to take a long breather to pull it back together.
If anybody has some simple, effective ways of dealing with this, or indeed any advice regarding my situations, it would be greatly appreciated.