I haven’t written in almost three weeks.

I’ve written absolutely nothing in the past almost three weeks. It feels so wrong, but yet still, I’m at a loss for what to write.

The last three weeks have been an absolute mess. I can’t even go into detail as to exactly why it’s been so messy as I’m still unable to formulate coherent thoughts on the events. I honestly don’t even have a rough idea of how I can explain it to anyone, nor do I have the slightest clue as to what I even started writing this post for other than the fact that I haven’t in a while.

It’s not even just been blog posts I have written. I literally have not written anything even on scraps of paper that forms any kind of coherent (or incoherent) thought process or feelings. Right now, I’m curled up on my couch in the living room, with my beautiful Mum on the next couch over, holding myself and typing single-handedly as though by holding myself I may be able to contain my mess of emotions.

Not much has worked so far, so I’ve been browsing across Youtube, and I stumbled my way back to the plethora of Disney songs and found this one which has me feeling somewhat inspired, even momentarily.

It’s Different Without Them

My parents taking a holiday without my siblings and I has been one of the weirdest experiences for me.

At 21, I am the eldest of four and possibly the most put off (save for my youngest sister) by them holidaying while we are at home. To celebrate their 23rd wedding anniversary, my parents decided to take a week long trip to Adelaide, South Australia. This is the second of their “No Children” holidays since I was born. The last time they took a holiday, just the two of them, was their 10th wedding anniversary, and my siblings and I stayed with my grandmother for the four days.

Now that we are older and capable of looking after ourselves, Mum and Dad decided they could do it again. My youngest sister who is still in school, has stayed at a friends house the past few nights as the rest of us don’t usually arrive home until after 5:30pm and I feel as though that has only made it stranger. I do feel as though that has probably helped her not to miss Mum and Dad too much as she is distracted by her friend and the family she is staying with.

Since coming back from the USA, I have settled back in and become re-accustomed to having Mum or Dad (if not both) home a majority of the time. I’ve grown used to coming home to Mum cooking dinner and Dad watching TV while he folds the clothes. I’ve enjoyed there always being one or the other to talk to about my life and how I’m feeling each day. I’m not used to missing them. I missed them every day while I was in the US for a year, and it was difficult. Since coming back, I haven’t had to miss them.

They flew out to Adelaide on Friday morning, so I last saw them as I was leaving for work on Friday. I have messaged them daily (and they’ve responded). I’ve spoken to them a few times on the phone – the last time being as I arrived at work this morning. I still however, haven’t been able to shake the feeling of missing them. Without them here I’ve noticed various things: how reclusive (and so much like myself at that age) my brother is, how my 19yo sister really does have zero care factor and is all about her social life, how much I appreciate Miss 15 and her relatively undamaged, refreshing outlook on life. But most of all, I’ve noticed how important to me it is to have my parents around.

With them gone, it feels as though there is so little control and order in our household. Of the five nights they’ve been gone so far, Miss 19 has been out for four of them, including Saturday night when she woke me up at 1am (after we had only gone to bed at 12) to ask me if she should drive to Leichardt (approximately 40mins away) to pick up three of her drunken friends. I told her that it was ultimately her decision, however if it were me I would be calling them a cab. Needless to say she decided to go and get them, so I stayed awake to wait for her to come home. We estimated a 2:30am return. It was 3am when I received a text from Miss 19 to say she was going to stay at LW’s place for the night because she was too tired to make the final 15minute trip home. I was absolutely fuming that I’d been woken up, and then stayed up waiting and worrying about her return, only to be told it wasn’t necessary. The aspect that irritated me most was the fact that she – and she told me this to my face – would not have picked them up if Mum and Dad were home because she knows they wouldn’t approve. I was (I believe rightfully so) irate.

I cannot wait until my parents get back from this trip – although they do deserve it and I’m glad they’ve done it – and things go back to a relative normal. I need to be able to see them regularly, and speak with them daily, especially with everything going on at the moment. There are so many things I haven’t spoken with them about yet because it has all happened in the week leading up to the holiday, or while they’ve been away.

I miss them and I love them and I cannot wait until I see them tomorrow evening.

Give me something to think about that’s not the shit in my head…

I wasn’t going to write today. I actually had no intention of writing. I’ve been in a slump for a little while now, where writing has had limited appeal to me. I’ll be honest; I have been struggling these past few weeks. My most recent post was about my anxiety and “online dating” Tinder experiences, and that was only written for a need to get things off of my chest. As I’ve already said here, I had no intentions of writing, but last night my good friend AM mentioned how she checks in regularly and misses my writing, so I thought “Hey, maybe I should write something.”

I’ve always found that I express myself better through writing than in person. Face to face communication has always been an uncomfortable thing for me. Something about the instantaneous potential judgement that can be passed terrifies me. Last night was AM’s 21st birthday party. I went, knowing only a select few people quite vaguely from high school, and the rest I’d never met. That was a little daunting for me, but went a lot better than expected. I found I was able to involve myself in a few group conversations through the night as having some nice one-on-ones. It was interesting to reconnect with MA, who despite sharing several classes with in school, I’d never spoken to much due to being in different social circles. We had several interesting conversations through the night and talk flowed quite easily. I also got to connect with a girl I’ve heard a lot about in the past, but never formally been introduced to. AS was a pleasure to chat to through the night, and I could confidently say that she is someone who I will make an effort to try and stay in contact with.

Over the past year or so of our friendship, AM has consistently mentioned her good friend ZM (not Zayn Malik unfortunately). A has been talking insistently about introducing me to ZM as she feels that we would get along wonderfully. Over the course of the night, AM eventually dragged me over to meet Z and his friend SS who also attended the party. I spent most of the night talking to them both (although mainly ZM) and I honestly still don’t entirely know how I feel about it in hindsight. Both were lovely, good conversationalists and charming gentlemen whom I enjoyed talking to, but there was something about the occasion – whether it be my awkwardness with new people, the fact that I found the both so charming or simply the fact that I knew AM was hoping it would go well (which I was also hoping for) – which now has me feeling quite conflicted. I feel like it should have been a wonderful experience, but part of me perceives it as quite average.

Upon further reflection today, the thought passed through my mind that “I’m not happy. In my life, in my career, in my study, in my social ability; I’m not happy.” Most people I know will have experience these feelings through their lives at some point, and many of them will say, “You’re just having a bad day/week/month!” What most of them don’t seem to realise is that I’ve felt this way for the majority of the past five+ years. It’s not an easy thing to deal with and as of late, every day is the same. I haven’t been genuinely happy about an event for more than five minutes since my Summer Break when I had a week and a half off of work.

The biggest issue I find, isn’t even the unhappiness. It’s the numbness. It’s participating in events that used to give my joy, the I should still be finding enjoyable. It’s the fact that I can’t seem to let people in, that everything feels trivial, because I can’t bear putting my shit on other people. I don’t want my mental health issues to be the one thing people associate with me, but it is such a big part of my life, that it is hard to hide. During a conversation with the boys last night, AM was there and asked me how I was going, and I brushed it off saying I’d speak to her about it on Tuesday when we go to dinner, saying “Nobody needs to hear my sob story.” I only glimpsed it out of the corner of my eye, and it may not even be a big deal or something they’ll recall post-party, but both boys reacted to that, as if confused or shocked. Like I’ve said, it probably isn’t a big to them, or something they will dwell on or remember, but for me, it’s something I wont forget in a hurry. AM I know you’ll read this, so just know I’m not upset that it happened, just processing it as part of the whole night.

Getting to know people scares me, not necessarily because people have let me down in the past, but because I feel they could do better. My closest friends and family will tell me it’s stupid, but I don’t feel like I’m good enough for anyone. There are better people out there to be friends (or potentially more) with. There are better people out there to invest time in. There are a plethora of people who are generally quite happy and content with their lives, who don’t feel like they’ve failed constantly, who don’t think that everyone else is better off without them. It is a big part of why I shy away from social situations, I’m scared to let someone get close, to let them in, for fear of them running when they find out how screwed up my brain really is, or for fear of them thinking they can fix me. I don’t feel as though I’m a valuable addition, that people could need me as a part of their lives. And I don’t want people to miss out because of me. I’m not confident that I can love someone properly. I get “bored” and restless too easily to chance hurting someone. I won’t say nobody can love someone as screwed up as me, but nobody should have to, not when I can’t do the same for them.

There are only so many things a girl can do to escape. I’m not the drinking type, nor do I smoke or take any drugs. I’m not the type who can go out to a club and dance and flirt and hookup with randoms guys/girls as a distraction from how shitty her life makes her feel. There is a reason I don’t sleep at night. It’s because I stay awake blogging or writing or watching episodes of whatever my current favourite TV show is (How To Get Away With Murder), because those things make me happy, and as I go through my day to day life, working my 9 to 5 at a job I don’t like and feeling mediocre and below constantly, I need time to do something that I find enjoyment in, even if that means getting zero sleep of a night. Hence why I am up at the moment writing this and watching HTGAWM when I am so bloody exhausted and should probably be asleep.

Laters. (I still really need to find a way to wrap these posts up).

Anxiety Post.

This may be delicate or triggering for some as I may discuss things of a delicate nature in regards to self-harm and anxiety. I’m currently having a minor freak out/break down and writing is one of the most therapeutic ways for me to deal with it.

As a result of my recent experience with online dating, I have been talking to someone rather exclusively (from my side at least) and we exchanged numbers last night, with a lot of nerves and anxiety on my behalf. I’m still hoping against all hope that he’ll stick to texting at least until we meet in person. I’m terrified of the idea that he might now make a phone call simply for the fact that my anxiety hits an all time high on telephone calls – I avoid making them as much as possible, and don’t even like dialling my Mum’s phone in case Dad or one of my siblings picks up. The uncertainty is petrifying! The potential of him calling when I don’t feel as though I know him that well only serves to increase the level of fear that grips at my heart. I quite like this guy so far, but it makes me so nervous.

Inclusive of all of this, I am trying to process that fact that I will meet this guy within the next fortnight for the first time and that too is terrifying. Exciting as all hell, but so incredibly scary at the same time. I don’t feel that I’m a good people person. I don’t feel that I give off a good first impression (ever). I don’t feel that I’m a good conversationalist – in fact I know I’m not until I know someone very, very well. It takes a lot of time for me to properly trust and feel comfortable in a friendship let alone a relationship. I have friends, that to this day, I delay contacting for fear of them not wanting to chat or catch up or visit, and many of them I have been friends with for five or more years. I’m also slightly worried that this is kind of a for-the-thrill-of-it thing for me. Previous experience has seen me grow bored rather quickly of new guys. I meet them, I like them well enough, I date them and then within a month I’m ready to end it. I’m scared of feeling that again. I’m scared of not liking him as much once I’ve met him. I’m scared of not being anywhere near as comforted by his physical presence as I am by the messages he sends me. I’m scared of repeating history.

There is also the issue of my parents, who frown upon Internet dating as they don’t feel it is “getting yourself out there” per se. I mentioned to my Mum that Amy has been on a few dates with guys from Tinder, and the look she gave me was so highly disapproving that I didn’t quite know how to take it. A few people have told me to just tell her that this guy is a friend of a friend, but I suck at lying (to my Mum especially) and I sort of want to be completely honest with her anyway. Her reaction scares me though. It causes a lot of internal discomfort and makes my stomach churn.

Atop all of this is the fact that I am supposed to have completed my traineeship within the next three weeks and at this stage I have zero chance of that happening or even being close to happening and I have already extended it once. I keep putting it off because I don’t like Real Estate, but it is starting to become a problem that I don’t really need to be having. It makes the anxiety worse.

I have noticed, upon some reflection and recent events, that my anxiety over events is quite often what triggers my self-harm urges. I don’t tend to hurt myself when I am sad. It is usually something that comes up when I am feeling numb or no sensation at all, or when I’m worked up and on-edge, when I’m jittery and frazzled. At the moment, I am jittery and frazzled and my left wrist (which has borne the brunt of my previous self-harming) is tingly and achy. This tends to happen when I’m overly anxious and makes me feel as though I want to hurt myself again. I haven’t quite worked out how to deal with it yet. I usually just try to grasp my wrist/forearm firmly with the other hand, or put pressure on a pulse point. Snapping rubber bands on my wrist helps sometimes too, inflicting pain without lasting damage, but this can’t be my long term solution. I need something that is a healthy, convenient way of dealing with it, especially when I am trapped in the office at work and unable to take a long breather to pull it back together.

If anybody has some simple, effective ways of dealing with this, or indeed any advice regarding my situations, it would be greatly appreciated.

Online Dating (Here we go again…)

So a while back, I did a relatively long post about how online dating is not for me. This post is going to be quite contradictory to that.

I still wouldn’t say it is for me per se, however, I think I’m looking at it from a different approach this time around. You have to take a lot of what happens in online dating scenarios at face value. You’re not going to start talking to someone online and know they are “the one” immediately.

I’ve recently rejoined Tinder, and so far it is working out quite well for me. I’ve matched with a few people, and spoken with a few. Some have been rather short conversations once I get a feel for the person and what they want. Yet some have been quite continuous and lovely conversations. There is one person in particular who I am quite enjoying speaking with so we’ll see how this goes. I feel that perhaps the reason it is working out this time is that I’m not EXPECTING anything from it. It is simply an opportunity to chat to people and hopefully meet some new people. Whatever comes from that, well that’s still to be seen, I simply have to let it play out.

I have my good friend AM’s Tinder success to thank truthfully. She gave it a shot with zero expectation and has had some fine results. Her success gave me the confidence to give it another shot I’m reaping the rewards now. So thanks A!

And that’s all folks.

(I need to find a better way to end these posts. They all just stop with no real conclusion.)

Success does not equate to Happiness.

He speaks a little fast, and I had to stop start a few times, but this video is well worth watching (and exactly what I needed after today).

Near the end of this video the speaker talks about the things we can do everyday, over a 21 day period that will change the way we look at the world. This is exactly what I plan to do. It’s worth a shot. I will start today, but I won’t be blogging any of it until Monday as I am away for the weekend.

So to create lasting positive change, over the course of 21 days, we will do all of the following on a daily basis:
+ 3 Gratitudes (three new things each day that we are thankful for – write them down)
+ Journaling (recap one positive experience from your day in extensive detail – write it down)
+ Exercise (make like Nike and Just Do It)
+ Meditation (get over the cultural ADHD of doing multiple things at once and focus on the task at hand)
+ Random Act of Kindness / Conscious Act of Kindness (send one positive email/facebook message per day praising or thanking someone in your social network)

My change starts now. When will you start?

A Working Dilemma.

So my boss has booked me in for “The First Class Receptionist” training program.

I feel a little affronted by the whole thing if I am perfectly honest. There was no discussion about the training, no questioning as to if I was interested or if I believed it would be beneficial. There wasn’t even a conversation to say, “I’ve found this and think it would be great for you so I’ve booked it in.” I literally was sitting at my desk, while my boss was at hers at the back of the office, when I received an email to say she’d booked me in for it.

It’s not so much the training that is upsetting, nor even the fact that my boss thinks it would be beneficial, but the fact that the communication was so indirect, as though I’m not worthy of the discussion being held head-on. It’s just a little disheartening and does not help me feel as though I am a valued employee.

I’m not the best receptionist, I can safely admit that. I don’t enjoying answering and transferring calls, and I’m not particularly good at deal with walk-in customers. If it was purely administrative duties like filing and typing reports and things, I would probably be a hell of a lot better at my job, but I’m not. I don’t particularly enjoy those few aspects of my job (which are also the majority of what I do), but I do try my best to keep things going as smoothly as possible.

It comes down to my personality and my Atychiphobia (fear of failure). I am mind-numbingly afraid of failing and of disappointing people or letting them down. As a result I tend not to do things (whether that’s physically doing something, or sending an email etc.) unless I am 100% certain that it is what I need to do. On the occasion that I do something without being 100% sure, I sit with paralysing fear that it will backfire. It is however, unfortunately counter-productive to being a good, valuable member of staff.

This is not the job for me. Too many factors make being a receptionist an uncomfortable experience for me, and the Real Estate Industry itself sets me on edge. It’s all about who you know and how far you’re willing to push and there is no way I’m cut out for it. Property Management, their role is essentially to be the ‘middle person’ between the tenant and the landlord. They are forever organising repairs, chasing up rent monies and playing phone tag to sort issues out. The Salespeople on the other hand; their one job is to get the best possible result for the Vendor, but it is also all about commission for them. They are all about the money. They push, push, push to bump up the prices and spend a load of time sweet-talking and being VERY convincing in order to make as much money as they can. I couldn’t do either of those jobs.

I don’t have it in me to convince people to spend more or push them into something outside of what they want or are comfortable with. I also don’t have it in me to be what is basically a debt collector and hound people until their money is paid in, or deal with the crap that the Property Managers cop simply because tenants are impatient and landlords won’t respond to calls or emails (and vice-versa). Both the industry and the job itself are just not suitable to the person I am, and I definitely cannot see myself staying here long term. I honestly think that once my course is complete and my trip is over, I will start looking for something new.

I don’t know what industry I’d want to work in. Maybe I could search for a columnist position or something similar to do with writing? I’ve always been interested in fashion so maybe I could potentially pursue something to do with writing for the fashion industry? I don’t really know what I want to do, but it definitely is not what I am doing right now. Hopefully I will be able to work something out soon.