I wasn’t going to write today. I actually had no intention of writing. I’ve been in a slump for a little while now, where writing has had limited appeal to me. I’ll be honest; I have been struggling these past few weeks. My most recent post was about my anxiety and “online dating” Tinder experiences, and that was only written for a need to get things off of my chest. As I’ve already said here, I had no intentions of writing, but last night my good friend AM mentioned how she checks in regularly and misses my writing, so I thought “Hey, maybe I should write something.”
I’ve always found that I express myself better through writing than in person. Face to face communication has always been an uncomfortable thing for me. Something about the instantaneous potential judgement that can be passed terrifies me. Last night was AM’s 21st birthday party. I went, knowing only a select few people quite vaguely from high school, and the rest I’d never met. That was a little daunting for me, but went a lot better than expected. I found I was able to involve myself in a few group conversations through the night as having some nice one-on-ones. It was interesting to reconnect with MA, who despite sharing several classes with in school, I’d never spoken to much due to being in different social circles. We had several interesting conversations through the night and talk flowed quite easily. I also got to connect with a girl I’ve heard a lot about in the past, but never formally been introduced to. AS was a pleasure to chat to through the night, and I could confidently say that she is someone who I will make an effort to try and stay in contact with.
Over the past year or so of our friendship, AM has consistently mentioned her good friend ZM (not Zayn Malik unfortunately). A has been talking insistently about introducing me to ZM as she feels that we would get along wonderfully. Over the course of the night, AM eventually dragged me over to meet Z and his friend SS who also attended the party. I spent most of the night talking to them both (although mainly ZM) and I honestly still don’t entirely know how I feel about it in hindsight. Both were lovely, good conversationalists and charming gentlemen whom I enjoyed talking to, but there was something about the occasion – whether it be my awkwardness with new people, the fact that I found the both so charming or simply the fact that I knew AM was hoping it would go well (which I was also hoping for) – which now has me feeling quite conflicted. I feel like it should have been a wonderful experience, but part of me perceives it as quite average.
Upon further reflection today, the thought passed through my mind that “I’m not happy. In my life, in my career, in my study, in my social ability; I’m not happy.” Most people I know will have experience these feelings through their lives at some point, and many of them will say, “You’re just having a bad day/week/month!” What most of them don’t seem to realise is that I’ve felt this way for the majority of the past five+ years. It’s not an easy thing to deal with and as of late, every day is the same. I haven’t been genuinely happy about an event for more than five minutes since my Summer Break when I had a week and a half off of work.
The biggest issue I find, isn’t even the unhappiness. It’s the numbness. It’s participating in events that used to give my joy, the I should still be finding enjoyable. It’s the fact that I can’t seem to let people in, that everything feels trivial, because I can’t bear putting my shit on other people. I don’t want my mental health issues to be the one thing people associate with me, but it is such a big part of my life, that it is hard to hide. During a conversation with the boys last night, AM was there and asked me how I was going, and I brushed it off saying I’d speak to her about it on Tuesday when we go to dinner, saying “Nobody needs to hear my sob story.” I only glimpsed it out of the corner of my eye, and it may not even be a big deal or something they’ll recall post-party, but both boys reacted to that, as if confused or shocked. Like I’ve said, it probably isn’t a big to them, or something they will dwell on or remember, but for me, it’s something I wont forget in a hurry. AM I know you’ll read this, so just know I’m not upset that it happened, just processing it as part of the whole night.
Getting to know people scares me, not necessarily because people have let me down in the past, but because I feel they could do better. My closest friends and family will tell me it’s stupid, but I don’t feel like I’m good enough for anyone. There are better people out there to be friends (or potentially more) with. There are better people out there to invest time in. There are a plethora of people who are generally quite happy and content with their lives, who don’t feel like they’ve failed constantly, who don’t think that everyone else is better off without them. It is a big part of why I shy away from social situations, I’m scared to let someone get close, to let them in, for fear of them running when they find out how screwed up my brain really is, or for fear of them thinking they can fix me. I don’t feel as though I’m a valuable addition, that people could need me as a part of their lives. And I don’t want people to miss out because of me. I’m not confident that I can love someone properly. I get “bored” and restless too easily to chance hurting someone. I won’t say nobody can love someone as screwed up as me, but nobody should have to, not when I can’t do the same for them.
There are only so many things a girl can do to escape. I’m not the drinking type, nor do I smoke or take any drugs. I’m not the type who can go out to a club and dance and flirt and hookup with randoms guys/girls as a distraction from how shitty her life makes her feel. There is a reason I don’t sleep at night. It’s because I stay awake blogging or writing or watching episodes of whatever my current favourite TV show is (How To Get Away With Murder), because those things make me happy, and as I go through my day to day life, working my 9 to 5 at a job I don’t like and feeling mediocre and below constantly, I need time to do something that I find enjoyment in, even if that means getting zero sleep of a night. Hence why I am up at the moment writing this and watching HTGAWM when I am so bloody exhausted and should probably be asleep.
Laters. (I still really need to find a way to wrap these posts up).
the musings of jac 